Christmas Won't Be The Same Without You

it's been eight months since my dad passed on (i say passed on and not passed away because he's in a better place now).  it still feels like an uneasy dream for me.  i feel like saying, "ok, can we quit this scenario now?"  but then i realize that my dad's not with us anymore. it's really difficult for me considering that i never had any brothers or sisters to grow up with.  all i had was my dad (and my mom) to tell of my day's stories. he was my best friend at home, we shared a lot of good laughs together. i got most of my sarcastic character from him. he rarely liked being around other people and he'd always rather be at home with me and my mom. i got that attitude from him too. he always stood up for what was right no matter what others would say.

we had our share of disagreements along the way too but he never failed to let me know that he loved me. it was because of that that i respected the way he raised me. firm but loving. he never spoiled me even if i was his only child. i got spanked when needed then he would always hug me and reassure me that he did that because he cared for me. we talked a lot, played video games, went places, laughed, cried, grew up and grew old together. and all this time, he was struggling with a heart condition that doctors advised him, required surgery. he never had it because he worked in the biomedical field and he knew that this procedure was not an absolute cure. he was a strong survivor of three heart attacks, laughing at death in the face after each one. the fourth was the first attack in which his heart stopped. though he was revived, it left him with damage on most of his vital systems. three days later, he had another heart failure, this time, he lost the fight. the sight of him on the hospital bed still is etched on my memory. his name written on a death certificate never seemed right to me.

eight months, missing my dad. sometimes i forget that he's not with us anymore. whenever something happens to me during the day, a part of me says, "hey! i'm gonna tell dad about this." then i realize again, he's not here anymore. my getting a new job, my wedding, my married life are just some of the things that i wish i could tell him about. it's sad and it has hit me and my mom hardest since this will be the first christmas without him. hearing the christmas songs he used to play at home just makes it more painful. it would be around this time each year when i would tell him, "you should cut down on your fatty food intake, pop!" he would just laugh and give me that face of someone enjoying his christmas meal.

though he may not be with us anymore, his life and memory lives on in our hearts. when the time comes that it's my time to go home to heaven, he's the first person that i want to see, without the suffering of his heart condition here on earth, without his allergies (i got that from him too), and a big smile like he always had. they say time heals all wounds, for me, i wouldn't want to stop missing him, my best friend, brother, spiritual mentor, my dad.

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